I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness


Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*


This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.


Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family


Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*


My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth


The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


*stands up and screams*

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*


Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.