Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”
*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.