@causticbob

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

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@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@stevevsninjas

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

@zachreinert03

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

@DrakeGatsby

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

@lovemyboots111

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.