@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

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@KalvinMacleod

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@junejuly12

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@ashlar36

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

@WilliamAder

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

@darinlovesbacon

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

@LaLa_Lyds

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.