Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.