I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
We’re all getting idioter.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.