I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.