@ShotOfBull

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

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@imteddybless

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@daddydoubts

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

@DaddyJew

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor

@FrenulumBreve

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”