Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”