I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
#SuperBowl
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.