@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

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@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

@caithuls

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@22_Minutes

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

@JanelSantaCruz

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

@snarkymomtobe

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

@mom_ontherocks

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

@SgtButtCheeks

I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time

@ItsAndyRyan

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC