I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
mood
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up