I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.