I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”

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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.



Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.


Wife: It’s not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
W: yes.
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes


I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.


I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.


Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?


Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”


*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”