SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”
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Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.
Wife: It’s not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn’t you?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”