DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.