I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.