“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.
Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.