@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

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@cogentanalysis

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

@PJisBeast

I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.

@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@notsoevilrick

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.