I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.