I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
So creative 😂
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what