I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
You Might Also Like
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.