wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵
-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I only think about cannibalism the average amount
[Puzzle Group Therapy]
Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.