@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

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@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

@vanderheydensax

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

@WarningPuzzle

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

@hazelmotes1

Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.

@HogwartsLogic

If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have

@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car