I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door