I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

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horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course


I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive


“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive


*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer


Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.


If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have


Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car