I found my people and neither them nor I are happy about it

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Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.


Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.


Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”



The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.


Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.


I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.