I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

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It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories


[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF


[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really


ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?


According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.


Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”


‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.


7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”