I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
You Might Also Like
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.