@joeljeffrey

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

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@KevinFarzad

It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories

@Thynebear

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

@RiotGrlErin

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

@Amburglar_

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@better_off_dad

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@GrantTanaka

7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”