I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say