I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

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I basically have 3 hairstyles…



Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either


WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.


Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?


Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.


How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger


Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.


brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta