@chicnlil1
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
@fusedude
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
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@chicnlil1
@RidiculousSheri
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
@ArfMeasures
WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either
@Tommytoughstuff
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
@YourAnMoron
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
@Jason_Horton
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
@69hunna
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
@notorious_stars
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
@kelseydarragh
brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!me: I’m gunna go get pasta
@glamoureptile
how it started vs how it ended
