75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
Regular or Asian?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together