I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

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75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did


I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.


Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?


partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store


I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.


I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you


*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together