ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.