I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.

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My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.


If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!


I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut


Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.


If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”