@Sassafrantz

I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.

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@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

@IBParker

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

@brynnester

Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

@elle91

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@SkippyMcGizzard

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!