My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.
I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
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If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Going to the doctors at my age is called a lecture.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Only 5 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week..
Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”