I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!