@paperphotoyo
My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.
I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@Sassafrantz
I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
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@paperphotoyo
@leshnevsky
If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!
@CulturedRuffian
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
@omgthatspunny
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
@arwenlothbrok
Going to the doctors at my age is called a lecture.
@ArfMeasures
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
@SkinnerSteven
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
@InkedUpKidder
Only 5 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week..
@novicefather
Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
@ElgatoEsmio
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”