I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?