I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
This is my bus stop.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING