I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
How to woo a woman
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
forgive me baja for i have blast
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”