@egg_dog

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

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@maryfairybobrry

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

@TheRealRHB

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

@shutupmikeginn

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

@CoopSoSarc

I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.

@kumailn

Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.

@

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@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@jnthnwll

Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.