@novicefather

I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.

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@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

@RodLacroix

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

@Alex_N_Chains

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

@SICKOFWOLVES

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

@skedaddle74

You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind

@aotakeo

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

@TheCatWhisprer

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

@peachesanscream

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of