Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.