I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

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I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name


My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it


Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.


I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”


Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.


**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.



Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….


I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.



INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.


When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”