I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off