@iMikosnyc

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

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@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@AmishPornStar1

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@juliussharpe

I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”