I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The most underused drug is birth control pills.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.
“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”