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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭