kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
You Might Also Like
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.