With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: Scout’s honor.
Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.