@Girl_Censored

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

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@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@Super_Cynthia

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@CanadianPitbull

I know why you wear your wedding ring on your left hand guys. Cause once you say “I do” your right hand is gonna be awful busy.

@JillianKarger

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

@AnOrangeSNES

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@MandiAtRandom

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”