Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
So true for me
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.