I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You Might Also Like
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Camping tip: No.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”