I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Chemical wingman
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
