Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.
Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”