@AristotlesNZ

I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.

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@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@GrantTanaka

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”