I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]


DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]


My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.


Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.


Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight


Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress


When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.


I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.


Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.