@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

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@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

@13spencer

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

@ChiefTwittler

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

@grillyjoel

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

@Tiim_____

we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@TheBoydP

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?