Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-
[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th