@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

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@SketchesbyBoze

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@OmarImranTweets

13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

@SilverCricket9

#HowToEscapeADate
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”

@bartandsoul

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

@41Strange

After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble

@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.