@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

- @RadOrDie

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@cowboyjeffkent

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@Miss_Firefly_

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@thedad

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@MakesYouGiggle

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@Brianhopecomedy

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”