@cowboyjeffkent Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
@RadOrDie I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
- @RadOrDie
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@cowboyjeffkent 
@gerryhallcomedy When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
@Miss_Firefly_ Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
@4ScoreN20Bowls Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
@thedad son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
@Tmoney68 I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
@DanMentos lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
@MakesYouGiggle Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
@MarfSalvador [Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
@Brianhopecomedy “Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”