I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.


No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”


If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.


After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble


I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.


My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.