[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.