I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.