yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.