I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.