In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse