Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”
Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”
I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
ubereats: u look hungry
ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy
ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.