@MAB1013

I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.

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@noonanjo

Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

@thombodytolove

ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya

@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.