zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it