I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
😅😅😅
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
#DesignFail
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one