I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.


mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd



stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water


You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.


I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.