Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*puts words between two asterisks*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.