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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
PLEASE READ
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”