I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.