I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
You Might Also Like
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.