I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.