Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.