I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*puts cutlery down*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids