I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
uh oh
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME