I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
as is their right
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”