I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The pen is writier than the sword.